Roots

There has been so much going on in my heart lately... I know I haven't been too detailed about it... and maybe there will be a time and place to divulge, but right now, it just seems like a long post that I'd rather save for later... when I'm not so sick....

But I did want to share a revelation that I had this weekend... I have lived in Tacoma for 4 years now EXACTLY. I looked at my "old" blog from 2004 a few days ago and I think I'm almost spot on! ;-) I don't know why, but I started thinking about planting roots this weekend. Like I said, I've been here four years... and I don't know why... But I still don't feel settled. In fact, today I feel like it's my time here is likened to the feeling of being in college. You know? That expectation of change. Maybe it's just the community I live in... And not that I don't like change... but something is ALWAYS changing. Relationships, friendships, housing, roommates, ministries... I have felt like I've been in transition since I've moved here. Like constantly finding work through a temp agency... Only in the past couple of days have I realized that I'm tired of this "feeling." I don't want to move again... Maybe it's a selfish expectation, but there's a part of me that just wants to "settle down" and have a "normal life" haha... But at the same time, I don't feel like Tacoma is my "end". Nothing in me senses that I am supposed to buy a house or anything like that... I'm just not sure what all this means.

One thing I have come to understand about myself... is about every 3 months or so, I go thru a season of boredom/discontentment. Today I wondered if I have had unspoken/unknown expectations of my life of where I should/would be by "now." I even asked myself the honest question, "Am I waiting to be married before doing.... this or that..." specific things in my life. Wow. Talk about being vulnerable and exposed to yourself. I think it's something that most girls would be ashamed of admitting... but I definitely feel like there is a part of me that holds back on being the "fullest" Bethany because I don't want to do it alone... and that word "alone" doesn't really mean "alone" because I have several girlfriends and a house full of roommates... but "alone" in the sense of "without a husband..." I don't know if I have a solid answer to that question, but it definitely has me thinking...

I was sharing this with my friend Hannah today over lunch... She was so encouraging and reminded me of the visionary gifting and worldview the Lord has given me. It's so true. I get bored. When I am not walking in faith, being challenged, stepping out into the visions the Lord has given me - I get bored. She urged me to start dreaming again. I don't think I realized that I had been disappointed by some circumstances that resulted in me shutting that dreamer part of my heart off... I think there's a part of me that's afraid to dream again. Afraid of disappointment. Afraid of disapproval. I guess it doesn't hurt to try... I was stirred for the rest of the afternoon and on my drive home... the song that popped into my head was (of course), "Dreamer"...

I am a dreamer
Take me higher
Open the sky up
Start a fire
I believe
Even if it's just a dream

Jesus, I want to believe. Even if it's just a dream. Help me believe... So do you want to hear some of my dreams? Washington, DC. Justice House of Prayer. Photography. Jenefer. LIFE. LIFE Book. Wife. Mom. I guess that's it for now...

So in the meantime... I want to be unmovable, unshakable, so let my roots grow deep. I want to be like a tree, planted by the streams of living water.... Wherever I am... wherever my dreams may take me... (Justin Rizzo - Tree)

...Phone!