Is your mat worn through?

LIFE: Are you deliberate with yours? Sitting on a holey mat?

Ryan has been deeply moved by this line: "Pick up your mat and walk." It's changing the way he lives and thinks. I am beginning to believe it is the key to the window for the warm winds from the south to blow into our relationship. Joy, risk, memories, living uninhibited by the Spirit. Freely loving, freely giving, freely receiving... No expectations. Giving all with perhaps (but not really) nothing in return. Sucking the marrow out of life.

He's mentioned it in our conversations lately, but I realized that Jesus has littered my life with this "secret." This is off topic, but don't you love how he spreads the wildflowers over your life? Here and there you may find familiar petals... I heard a couple of "messages" coming through the static but this one stands out... CHOOSE LIFE. (This time, I'm not necessarily talking about abortion/pro-life - although, you know it does hold a special place in my heart)... Anyway...

Let's get back to "Sucking the marrow out of life." It seems He is beckoning the rose to begin blooming in my soul. For the warm winds of the south to blow on the tightly bound bud... A few days ago, I was struck by a series of blogs by Jason Holdridge, a pastor in Ohio... Ponderings on Henry Thoreau's writing...

Here's a snippet of Thoreau and then Jason's response...

"We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aids, but by an infinite expectation of the day, which does not forsake us in our soundest sleep.

The ability of man to elevate his life by a conscious endeavor...this is what it means to be human. To possess a will all its own, free to chose, free to alter life by the effortless unveiling of his or her own personality. This unique brand each soul is impregnated with has boundless potential and possibility, and is, at every moment, able to be attached to and be dispatched into time and space. The elevation of one's life and the life of another is, in Thoreau's words, the most encouraging fact he knows to exist.

And then today... Mr. Rain City here in Seattle muses about soil...

It's about the soil - If there's no problem with the seed, and no problem with the sower, it's clear that the problem is in the soil. That would be you and me friends - we're the soil. This would be depressing news indeed if we believed that there was nothing we could do to prepare the soil of our heart to better receive God's seed. I know strict Calvinists who believe precisely that, believe that we have no power whatsoever to prepare the soil of our hearts to receive what God has to offer, because our hearts are incapable of ever choosing wisely. The problem with this line of thinking is that, if it were true, all the exhortations in the Bible about caring for our hearts, guarding our hearts, choosing life, seeking God, and loving God would be pointless noise, like telling a man with no hands that the key to really living is to play Beethoven Piano Sonatas.

But of course, Jesus does tell us to follow. He does invite anyone who is thirsty to come and drink. He does invite us to choose life. Unless all these invitations are entirely bogus, it appears that we do have some role to play in preparing the soil of our hearts. There are choices we can make that lead to life.

Mmm... I feel the tugs of his gentle hands... Silently and invisibly peeling back the layers of green, slowly revealing the deep red of my soul... His warm breath causing each petal to expose its inside to the world. "Choose life, daughter. Pick up your mat and walk. Awaken, oh soul. Will your will..."

So choose life in order that you may live... Deuteronomy 30:19...

Teach me, Papa. Walk with me Jesus. Enable me, Holy Spirit to choose life.

It's time to throw my mat away. How about yours?

Snake-like.

Do you ever become tangibly aware of our need to be rescued? I don't know why, but I think most days I am really convinced that I can do things on my own. I don't think I'd ever say it, but I think I unawarely try to live by my own might 99% of my day. And most days I have a prideful perspective of myself - thinking that I am better, can live life more "successfully", love Jesus and do this whole Christian thing - pretty darn (I did write out da** - but decided to delete it, hehe) well. I guess, it's just to show the extremity of the blindness I live most days with...

Last night I faced myself, pity and wanted to defend myself til the end - even at the expense of Ryan's heart and emotions.

"It wasn't my intention," "Why does this have to be such a big deal anyway," "Fine, I'll just shut myself down then..." (me)

Not only that, I didn't WANT to see it his way because it wasn't the way I was seeing it. And when he asked for forgiveness for reacting over a petty thing, I didn't WANT his grace or to be graceful. We talked this morning and I realized that I hate the way my sin affects other people, but I don't like having to receive grace for my failures. In fact, I'd rather be punished. I felt that way after the accident yesterday, "Just take me to jail now! I'll go..." With Ryan, my thoughts go more along the line, "I quit. This is too hard. Why, don't you break up with me already."

On the way to work today, I had such a revelation of how deceived I am - actually believing that I am living this life on my own... It's so humiliating to even admit - I mean come on - it's the basis for faith and Christianity, "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." Oh it's despicable, friend! I am abhorred by the reality that I think I could live even a second in my own might. And it's not even just a second that I believe I'm doing it! It's most moments of everyday!

Ahhh... I feel like I've only had a glimpse at how royally screwed up (I am) we are as a people. As the human race. We really are on the same playing field. All of us 3 strikes OUT times a billion...

How do I stay in this place of humility and not try to rise up and strike back out of my groundedness? I feel like a snake. Eating dirt... And striking back when I realize there is nothing I can do to defend myself, protect myself... I think I always thought that when we're going through the line seeing Jesus that there would be people walking up to shake his hand... Haha... Stupid, I know... but I feel like he's revealing to me that we will all be on our knees crawling up the hill. Each of us... Me.
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I read this blog on Herod... Seems to make sense... Clear depiction of my heart right now... Feeling threatened, unguarded, broken...

The Darker Side.
Pastoral Musings from Rainy City
http://raincitypastor.blogspot.com/2008/12/darker-side.html

yesterday.

I stumbled across this blog that clearly speaks so much of my heart's mumblings today.

(Mind you, I just opened it in my Google Reader and my ponderings below are from this morning)

I sat at Forza this morning, without any coffee, wondering how to navigate this world. It seems like it is magnified ten times larger than what it was a few weeks ago. I feel that even the "simplest" things like "letting go" and "being loved" (and so many more) are such foreign concepts - leaving me with the reoccuring thought, "I just don't know."

I realize how inept I feel to think, see or even breathe. I am in NEED. As I meditated on Jesus being the perfect reflection of the Father, as well as a model for us living, I see how far I've come in trying to figure out life on my own.

I was brought Acts 17:28 this morning. As I read its context (vs 24-29), I discovered a God who is the source of life yet needs nothing of that life... Yet for some reason, he gives us BEING so specifically. BAM. Bethany enters the world of existence at the perfect time and place. He wanted her to be Asian but/and he wanted her to live in the United States of America. "Perfect! I'll invent adoption," he resolves.

Next, we see Him as Emmanuel (he is not far from each one of us). The One who has stepped beyond the role of creator and into the realm of his creation. He breathed me into existence at the one and only perfect time in all of time. But it doesn't stop there. He became the progressive/life/blood of my day to day existence. I navigate moment by moment only by His grace. For in him [I] live and move and have [my] being. Only through Him will I be loved, learn to be loved and learn to love, and love others. He is my compass, life vest and ship all at the same time... Wow. Take a breath and let that sink.

...It doesn't stop there though... I didn't ask the question... but the Scripture answered me anyway. (I think He was just covering all the bases, because sooner or later I would ask.)

WHY?

God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him.

He yearns for the love and affection of His created ones. He wants me. He wants me to know Him deeply. He wants me to walk with Him and see the passions and depths of His heart. He wants to share HIS secrets with me. He wants me to be on His team. He wants to be sought and understood.

He's the one who's taught me that I long to be desired. He's the one gave me a heart to be loved.

Which way is up?

I'm not sure these days.

Everyday feels unknown. What will I feel? How will I see life? Is my heart even beating?

And then there's His perspective. In my "perfect storm" does He see the calm of His own Spirit within me? With every breath that I breathe His name is whispered on my lips. Yah-weh. Are you still there? Though I feel so lost, He's said I am perfectly found.

Last night I feel like I hit the wall for the 10th time in the past three weeks... More than frustration, anger or pain - the only words that kept coming out of my mouth were "I just don't know..." I felt like an infinitely spinning top. Or the someone spinning on the Wheel of Fortune - $5000 per letter or bankrupt?

Since I exposed my heart in the previous blog, I've decided to dive a little deeper... Or rather, let you venture a little bit further into the darker/deeper parts of my heart. "I just don't know." And in this moment, I'm talking about love and relationships. Remember the lion inside. I feel like he's gotten loose and though he seems to be happily prancing around in my life, I'm not quite sure how to deal with him... In fact, I have so many more questions than I did a few months ago when I originally wrote that post. I feel like a woman on a ship trying to navigate the dark waters of the open sea.... but let's talk a bit more about that lion inside of me... The picture I keep seeing is of a young lion whose just been released from its cage and is happily bounding around, full of life and joy... It's kind of surprising because I don't necessarily feel lively and joyfilled today. But maybe it's not necessarily about what I "see" with my physical eyes...

In the world of this lion, I just don't have any answers. What is love or falling in love supposed to look like? How do two people with past hurts learn to receive each other and show grace? Are relationships supposed to be complicated? It seems the further I have traveled down the road of my relationship with Ryan, the more I realize my incapacity and my inexperience of truly loving. It's funny because Ryan always tells me that I so sincerely love people more than he's ever seen someone... but lately it's not felt that way. The Bible says love is long-suffering. Talk about unchartered territory... You know, my mom told me yesterday that relationships take work. And I know in my heart that no man will ever be perfect and the standards that I have are meaningless in the eyes of the Lord - for he searches the heart of man. Just how long is, long-suffering with someone that you're dating? Is it supposed to be such an intense journey at the beginning? There's an echo in my heart that wants to believe that "it's going to be worth it all." That the humility that's birthing in my Spirit, the recognition of my inability to live or love without Jesus, the way I feel known and sincerely cherished like no one has dared to go before - is where I truly desire to be. I want to hold onto this. I really do. It's what I really want. To have someone go to the depths of my heart and still love me. To dive into the deep and be able to surface without fear or intimidation, but a love of the adventure, the unknown, maybe a bit of nervousness and anticipation, but a desire to dive in deep again. But I am so afraid.

I have also felt an inability to receive kindness and love. Honestly, I just don't believe or trust that it's real. I don't want to be this way.... Can I tell you a secret? I really want to be loved. I want it so badly, but in all of this stuff I like to call "mess" - I am so afraid. Like a kid who hasn't eaten in ages - who gobbles up the food but first stares at it with hesitancy - pondering it's reality, wondering if it's really for him! And while he's eating it - is so consumed by the fear of not having it that he cries the entire time he eats it. Plagued with questions - Will I have something to eat tomorrow?

I read a blog today by Jason Holdridge. I cried. It's a simple account of an evening he had with one of his daughters to the Daddy-Daughter dance. He recalled the evening of fun and joy. His delight in the beauty of his daughter, the simplicity of tangibly pouring out his love... And at the end of the night while they danced to Bryan Adams, the little girl wept in her daddy's arms. "Dad, when we have good nights like this together, it makes me want to be with you forever." I would love to copy and paste the last two paragraphs for you, but I'd rather have you experience the whole story... So read it and come back to my blog.

So that's that. In all that I am... I desire to hear this, "I will always be with you. I will never leave you. You will always be [mine] no matter where you go or what you do. O.K.?" And you may be thinking I'm talking about the Lord... but in this moment, I mean my love... Or potential lover (husband). It's what we all desire, right?

Oh God, that you would teach me to love this way. Be my headlamp as I dive deep. Though the pain may ring in my ears, release the pressure from my soul and take me deeper. Give me vision for the adventure of the unknown. Keep me aware of the dangers and make me a "smart" diver. It's scary, Lord. But will you help me, please?