Which way is up?

I'm not sure these days.

Everyday feels unknown. What will I feel? How will I see life? Is my heart even beating?

And then there's His perspective. In my "perfect storm" does He see the calm of His own Spirit within me? With every breath that I breathe His name is whispered on my lips. Yah-weh. Are you still there? Though I feel so lost, He's said I am perfectly found.

Last night I feel like I hit the wall for the 10th time in the past three weeks... More than frustration, anger or pain - the only words that kept coming out of my mouth were "I just don't know..." I felt like an infinitely spinning top. Or the someone spinning on the Wheel of Fortune - $5000 per letter or bankrupt?

Since I exposed my heart in the previous blog, I've decided to dive a little deeper... Or rather, let you venture a little bit further into the darker/deeper parts of my heart. "I just don't know." And in this moment, I'm talking about love and relationships. Remember the lion inside. I feel like he's gotten loose and though he seems to be happily prancing around in my life, I'm not quite sure how to deal with him... In fact, I have so many more questions than I did a few months ago when I originally wrote that post. I feel like a woman on a ship trying to navigate the dark waters of the open sea.... but let's talk a bit more about that lion inside of me... The picture I keep seeing is of a young lion whose just been released from its cage and is happily bounding around, full of life and joy... It's kind of surprising because I don't necessarily feel lively and joyfilled today. But maybe it's not necessarily about what I "see" with my physical eyes...

In the world of this lion, I just don't have any answers. What is love or falling in love supposed to look like? How do two people with past hurts learn to receive each other and show grace? Are relationships supposed to be complicated? It seems the further I have traveled down the road of my relationship with Ryan, the more I realize my incapacity and my inexperience of truly loving. It's funny because Ryan always tells me that I so sincerely love people more than he's ever seen someone... but lately it's not felt that way. The Bible says love is long-suffering. Talk about unchartered territory... You know, my mom told me yesterday that relationships take work. And I know in my heart that no man will ever be perfect and the standards that I have are meaningless in the eyes of the Lord - for he searches the heart of man. Just how long is, long-suffering with someone that you're dating? Is it supposed to be such an intense journey at the beginning? There's an echo in my heart that wants to believe that "it's going to be worth it all." That the humility that's birthing in my Spirit, the recognition of my inability to live or love without Jesus, the way I feel known and sincerely cherished like no one has dared to go before - is where I truly desire to be. I want to hold onto this. I really do. It's what I really want. To have someone go to the depths of my heart and still love me. To dive into the deep and be able to surface without fear or intimidation, but a love of the adventure, the unknown, maybe a bit of nervousness and anticipation, but a desire to dive in deep again. But I am so afraid.

I have also felt an inability to receive kindness and love. Honestly, I just don't believe or trust that it's real. I don't want to be this way.... Can I tell you a secret? I really want to be loved. I want it so badly, but in all of this stuff I like to call "mess" - I am so afraid. Like a kid who hasn't eaten in ages - who gobbles up the food but first stares at it with hesitancy - pondering it's reality, wondering if it's really for him! And while he's eating it - is so consumed by the fear of not having it that he cries the entire time he eats it. Plagued with questions - Will I have something to eat tomorrow?

I read a blog today by Jason Holdridge. I cried. It's a simple account of an evening he had with one of his daughters to the Daddy-Daughter dance. He recalled the evening of fun and joy. His delight in the beauty of his daughter, the simplicity of tangibly pouring out his love... And at the end of the night while they danced to Bryan Adams, the little girl wept in her daddy's arms. "Dad, when we have good nights like this together, it makes me want to be with you forever." I would love to copy and paste the last two paragraphs for you, but I'd rather have you experience the whole story... So read it and come back to my blog.

So that's that. In all that I am... I desire to hear this, "I will always be with you. I will never leave you. You will always be [mine] no matter where you go or what you do. O.K.?" And you may be thinking I'm talking about the Lord... but in this moment, I mean my love... Or potential lover (husband). It's what we all desire, right?

Oh God, that you would teach me to love this way. Be my headlamp as I dive deep. Though the pain may ring in my ears, release the pressure from my soul and take me deeper. Give me vision for the adventure of the unknown. Keep me aware of the dangers and make me a "smart" diver. It's scary, Lord. But will you help me, please?