Snake-like.

Do you ever become tangibly aware of our need to be rescued? I don't know why, but I think most days I am really convinced that I can do things on my own. I don't think I'd ever say it, but I think I unawarely try to live by my own might 99% of my day. And most days I have a prideful perspective of myself - thinking that I am better, can live life more "successfully", love Jesus and do this whole Christian thing - pretty darn (I did write out da** - but decided to delete it, hehe) well. I guess, it's just to show the extremity of the blindness I live most days with...

Last night I faced myself, pity and wanted to defend myself til the end - even at the expense of Ryan's heart and emotions.

"It wasn't my intention," "Why does this have to be such a big deal anyway," "Fine, I'll just shut myself down then..." (me)

Not only that, I didn't WANT to see it his way because it wasn't the way I was seeing it. And when he asked for forgiveness for reacting over a petty thing, I didn't WANT his grace or to be graceful. We talked this morning and I realized that I hate the way my sin affects other people, but I don't like having to receive grace for my failures. In fact, I'd rather be punished. I felt that way after the accident yesterday, "Just take me to jail now! I'll go..." With Ryan, my thoughts go more along the line, "I quit. This is too hard. Why, don't you break up with me already."

On the way to work today, I had such a revelation of how deceived I am - actually believing that I am living this life on my own... It's so humiliating to even admit - I mean come on - it's the basis for faith and Christianity, "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." Oh it's despicable, friend! I am abhorred by the reality that I think I could live even a second in my own might. And it's not even just a second that I believe I'm doing it! It's most moments of everyday!

Ahhh... I feel like I've only had a glimpse at how royally screwed up (I am) we are as a people. As the human race. We really are on the same playing field. All of us 3 strikes OUT times a billion...

How do I stay in this place of humility and not try to rise up and strike back out of my groundedness? I feel like a snake. Eating dirt... And striking back when I realize there is nothing I can do to defend myself, protect myself... I think I always thought that when we're going through the line seeing Jesus that there would be people walking up to shake his hand... Haha... Stupid, I know... but I feel like he's revealing to me that we will all be on our knees crawling up the hill. Each of us... Me.
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I read this blog on Herod... Seems to make sense... Clear depiction of my heart right now... Feeling threatened, unguarded, broken...

The Darker Side.
Pastoral Musings from Rainy City
http://raincitypastor.blogspot.com/2008/12/darker-side.html