marco...

...polo!

It feels like it's been ages since I've written... And looking at the date of my last post, apparently it's been more than just a feeling! Not that it makes too much difference in your world of blog reading, but I have THOUGHT about writing multiple times since my last post.

So why the sabbatical from writing? Honestly, there's been so much going on through my mind and heart I haven't been sure where to start or what to divulge. For the past month or so I've gone through so many circumstantial changes and they've all bred a wide spectrum of emotions, discussions and ponderings. I guess it's been one of those seasons that I have yearned to write and just "get it all out there" but been unsure as to how censored or uncensored I should allow my heart to be. Do you know what I mean? And then there's the other factor that my life isn't necessarily my own. Most circumstances today involve real people... Real hearts. And eyes to read my blog. Not that I would want to harm anyone with words... It's just that being exposed right now requires exposing the lives and hearts of other people - who may not appreciating their lives broadcasted into the homes of my friends and readers (whoever may be out there still reading!)

Do you mind if I just give you a recap of some of my circumstances and introduce you to the hampsters that have been frequenting the wheels of my mind?

• Church. Ah... Officially, I have left and am in the process of transitioning from my home church of four years. If you've traveled this road before, I'm sure you understand the challenge, the heartache, the freshness, the complete rawness that almost seems to take over your heart and mind. At least that's how it's been for me. More than anything, I feel like I've been left with more unanswered questions than any answers. What was the Father's intention for His Bride? The organization of church? What does my "call" have to do with church? What role do shepherds play in this expansive field of life and what does the Word have to say regarding them? What will Jesus say really - about this happy little Christian life that I am trying to live? What is He thinking about our organizations and each of the sheep right now? When and how did I so quickly lose focus from my first love? Although I've hated religion, how in the world did I become enslaved to it and how do I get free? And some simpler questions - is it okay just to be a participant in church on a Sunday morning? My heart is so hungry and has a hole longing to simply receive. A deficit of the substance of the Word of God in my life feels staggering. I find more Jesus in a coffee shop and a love song than in the building I attended. Oh God. Desperate for your mercy. Desperate for your love. Love of God become my calling.
• Boy. Perhaps more appropriate words include man, boyfriend, significant other. That's right. I've been dating a fella for about 2 months now. Ryan is his name. I don't know about you - but over the 26 years of my life, I can count the number of guys I've dated on one hand... I don't necessarily know how this affects how a relationship is "run"... I don't think it does at all... but all I know is how desperate I am for heavenly wisdom and understanding. More than in any other, I've found myself unwilling to live in denial about the reality of our relationship. Only a couple weeks into it, we exited the honeymoon stage. I don't know if it's just me or what, but it seems that I am unable just to keep things at the happy surface level. It doesn't take long before my heart flops out on the table and must be dealt with... Friends, I have sincerely enjoyed my relationship with Ryan but can I just tell you that it's been so extreme. I feel like I've faced every emotion possible. Everyday it seems more of our hearts (individually) have been exposed. I feel like I am more aware of this fleshly beast inside of myself and the tenderness/love of the Spirit of the Living God more than I have ever experienced. I've felt the pain of someone else's sin, the grace of God over my emotions, His mercy covering my deliberate choices of seeking out fleshly desires, confronted the intensity of physical desire, witnessed the unsensical amounts of God's grace flow in and out of my heart and mouth, been overwhelmed by the number of tears that two eyes can produce, confounded and without answers, exposed more of my own heart and pressed into some scary waters of conversation - ALL without knowing what is at the end of this road. Like most passionate people whose world's first collide - I'd say we both thought this was IT! In fact, we - along with our friends - wondered why we hadn't yet explored a relationship together as it seemed almost perfect - TOO good to be true... Today we find ourselves taking one day at a time... My intention for this post isn't to diminish any of the good of our relationship - because we've made a ton of amazing memories - airplane rides, beaches, nfl games, coffee, food, deep conversation, reading good books, making fires, family, movies, photography, polaroids, countless trips to Seattle, flowers, friendship, walking with each other through some tough circumstances... So many good things. But friends, I am desperate. I feel so incapable of any presumption regarding tomorrow. I am desperate for LOVE to invade my heart in mind and flow from me like a mighty river. More than ever, all my rules and the echoes of religious advice feels like sand falling through my fingers. Oh that the wisdom of God would be imparted to this finite mind. Holy Spirit, would you reveal to me the Secrets from Heaven and teach me how to love.
• Heart. There are other circumstances that make there mark on my thoughts throughout the day. Things like my future. "Calling". Passions. Friends. Reconciliation. Relationships. Abortion. LIFE. Washington DC. Death. Photography. Working out. Discipline. Fasted Lifestyle. Family. Underneath of it all... my heart feels more exposed and raw than I've ever experienced. I don't think I've realized how much I have censored myself. Today I see this. I'm hurt. I've been hurt - deeply hurt by friends, relationships at church, guys, my family. My hurts cloud my mind and taint my actions everyday. And what am I to do? I've repented, forgiven and released these relationships multiple times. And you know what else? I've also been so angry. Angry at the pain. Angry at my continued response to more hurt. Angry at church. My life littered by self-protection. I don't know how to be found. I went to dinner with a friend the other night and was talking to her about drawing close to the Father as my Shepherd. My protector, the one who seeks after the lost. I cried telling her that I am not sure how to be found. How do I let Him be my Shepherd... In all of my mess and dim view of this path that I seem to be on... the one thing that has been constant is Jesus. Seems He has remained. I've found comfort in Luke 15, Isaiah 52, Ezekiel 34, Psalm 23.

Anyway... That's a lot... There's so much more that I would love to share... I'll leave you with this... The MAIN thing that I've discovered is this. It's ALL and ONLY about LOVE. Knowing that YOU are lavishly LOVED by the Father who's called your name out from nothingness. And the ONE thing you've been called to is LOVE Him back with all that you are and EXTRAVAGANTLY LOVE those who make their way in and out of your life. That's it.

Oh... One more thing. Music. I've been listening to some new music as I write you... You can download all of then off iTunes! The two artists at the bottom were recommended by Shawn McDonald. I ended up d/l-ing the entire album by Jason Reeves... So good.

Your Love Never Fails. From the Jesus Culture Conference this year.
World's Apart. Old school Jars of Clay. Pandora played it and I had to download it.
Always. Peter Bradley Adams.
Jason Reeves.

LOVE.